Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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