Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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