I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
