I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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