Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
