im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My life is pants optional.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
