My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
