I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
