someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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