your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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