I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
