I cannot find my penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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