ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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