I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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