love makes seman taste better
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
