New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
