either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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