I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
