They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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