my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
