one might say we're banned from that church
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
