i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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