Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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