You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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