I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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