Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
