I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
