He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
