I hope mine doesn't look like that
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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