there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
