Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
