Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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