I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's just like the Real World with babies
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
