I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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