I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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