i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
