today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
