Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
