I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
