all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
