and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
