Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
