Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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