he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
3pm strippers are depressing
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
