It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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