im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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