if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
