drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
