The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
