I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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